Endless Dreams

Damn I love Arabs and especially Iraqis

2012-01-06T21:14:00.002Z

There is no place on earth where I feel safe and secure like when Im surrounded by my homeland people. It might be dirty, with poor services and have people who stare unashamedly but I feel home and hugged constantly by love.

The holiday spirit may have blinded my senses slightly..

Life Happened

2011-04-28T22:42:00.001+01:00

A finality, an end, a door was closed yesterday.
Feeling somewhat lost now back in reality.
The back-up plan is no longer in play and the pressure is on for the actual plan to materialize and succeed.

But hey, everything happens for a reason…

2010-04-16T21:22:00.001+01:00

You have got to love the GAME

2010-04-07T14:28:00.000+01:00

It's a love-hate relationship!

2010-04-01T23:41:00.002+01:00

It's happening...I'm taking life's next turn

24 Hours In A Day

2010-02-26T23:04:00.002Z

A bright haze of light seeped slowly into my cliff hanger dream and woke me up unwillingly at an ungodly hour on Sunday morning. Looking down on the mess of the duvet, brown throw and the deep blue sleeping bag I found those big green eyes blinking back at me. And so we were up!

With limited ticks until I watch her leave me standing on the platform, a plan of action was laid down. On we walked up the hilly road, starved and stomachs churning at the thought of those hot freshly made pancakes. Enveloped by the flurry of sizzling eggs, sausages and various oil rich based breakfast grub, we spend a good two hours waking up to the buzz of the day.

Picking up the last few belongings of hers, we traditionally parted on a music update sesh…

Young, green spinach leaves, more mixed green leaves, piping red tomatoes, black olives and a cheeky hint of sundried tomatoes composed my contribution to the previously agreed upon house meal. The kitchen burst into life, heat and warmth invaded our stone cold rooms. Impatience sets in as the smell but don’t touch precept was driving me to the edge. A pitiful attempt at napping in preparation for the dreaded 12 hour night shift failed and I found myself once again seduced by those tantalizing aromas and hovering I did before I was spared the torture.

Tearing myself away from “enchanted”, heavily, I dragged myself with all those chocolate brownies and the fat that’s circulating around my body to the ever reliable blue car.

Away we cruised down the non-rush hour roads into the bubble of labour ward. Lead by the fearsome midwives, who somewhat disliked the medics, the ward was kept under tight control. Not a sound is heard outside the individual rooms.

I was assigned my first couple of the week; 8 hours of bonding over their special circumstance brought us closer together. It started with an awkward invasion of their personal happening, later discovering and uniting over the similarities in our different colours, accents and history of torn homelands and ending with a beautiful baby Matthias.

Suddenly plagued by fatigue, costa coffees leather sofas did not escape the crash of my sleep deprived body. Holding onto my clearly signed costa coffee paper cup, I became a spectacle for the waiter, the early bird patients and staff.

Stepping back into familiarity, I came full circle and ended my first 24 hour day…

Snippets From A Time Of Simplicity

2009-12-22T15:41:00.001Z

First time I ventured out of the Arab world, I was captivated by the many gems everywhere. I went back to Baghdad after a trip of a lifetime at that time and age, fuelled with stories and realizations.

The soap dispenser was one of the many topics I would repeatedly tell to whoever that was interested enough to listen to a 10 year old child. I thought it was an ingenious creation, neat, clean and convenient. I marvelled at how the liquefied soap would ooze out, the pink coloured variety was my favourite.

Then, there was the vending machine. I would daydream of the possibilities if I had one for myself. The endless supply of chocolates, the prospect of business from friends and family paying into that big machine!!

At that time too, my environmentally friendly attitude blossomed and grew when pedalling on a lake in one of the many Centre Parcs across Europe. Coming from a city with no regard to public space cleanliness, or personal responsibility towards keeping our town spotless, I thought it was perfectly acceptable to leave my banana skin on the pedalo until I was told otherwise!!

Lastly, an image, that would never leave my memory, intrigued my innocent mind for years before an explanation materialized. In the Jacuzzi, busy holding onto the sides in case I’d float away with the warm bubbles, a couple in the opposite corner came into focus. I was taken by their closeness, intense eye contact and playful smiles. I was so drawn into their world that I did not realize I was staring inappropriately. They must’ve felt an intruder’s underage gaze disrupting their moment, for they toned it down…

Boom Shaka laka!!

2009-06-26T09:38:00.002+01:00

I am done, woo!! I am free, woo!! I have never been this excited about finishing, even though its short lived..2 weeks and im back again. A lick of freedom that I'm still grateful for.

Amongst other news, swine flu is literally one person away!

A Weekend of The Parents

2009-05-25T11:21:00.003+01:00

I was given the grand tour of the garden by the proud gardener and implementer of the great ideas that the Mother generates. As we passed the Magnolia, we reached their pride and joy, the vegetable patch. Dad took the chance to inspect his baby turnips closer and all of a sudden he exclaimed “that dog* has eaten the turnips!!” with such vehemence. I had to stifle my laughter and humoured him along “who did?”, “the slug” he said, in such a matter of fact.

And that is why I miss home, who knew slugs were dogs?

*dog= an insult, to the effect of calling someone a cow!

Third Year Cabin Fever

2009-05-10T21:41:00.004+01:00

Is it the number 21? Is it the many graduations of close friends? Or is it the body’s clock ticking more urgently?

Overnight, a button was switched on, a light was turned on, a brain impulse was sent to look for the significant other! Even though we have two whole years ahead of us, those medics are incestuously dating as if they’re going to miss the train. What happened to the motto “work hard and play harder”? When did it turn to “work hard and settle faster”?

It seems the worst is yet to come, with all of us being stuck together for the 3 month summer holiday everyone else will be enjoying! Oh, joy!

Arresting Cardiac Arrest

2009-04-07T21:26:00.001+01:00

The deafening sirens jolt everyone out of their little private worlds of escape, back to reality. Sadly, they are never in sync with the jolt that sets off the sirens alive.
Feet scramble and run to the source. The ward, all of a sudden, turns tense and chaotic reflecting my state of mind.

Passing by bewildered and baffled eyes, I arrive at the scene. A lifeless, yellow being is flattened back, his body not his own anymore. His heart and lungs belong to strangers, with nurse’s and doctor’s titles. Machines, tubes and fluids are all there to be used and work their magic. I catch a glimpse of the pool of deep, dark blood that escaped his body and it swallows me in and leaves me dazed.

As the frenzy heightens and anticipation strengthens, a demand paralyzes us all, resonating louder than the oddly insignificant sirens. Stop! Time of death…

A State Of Mind

2009-04-06T21:45:00.002+01:00

I want it all.

I want to write and draw
I want to run and dance
I want to lose it all and have it all
I want to know everything and nothing
I want to impress the seniors and go unnoticed
I want to do it all

I want the sun to show me the way
I wan the wind to blow me away
I want my heart to skip a beat
I want my head to loosen its keep

I want to be free
I want to be me
I want to be whole
I want to be with him and all

I want him all
I want him whole
I want him to be mine
I want him to be supine ;) (For rhyming's sake!)

Domestic Politics

2009-02-12T14:33:00.003Z

Sharing a house and conspiring revolutions. We cook, we eat, we shower and we heat with laughs and cries, all under one roof in the name of friendship. Tiny numbers on a piece of paper arrive, magnified by their value, cause havoc and chaos! And the motions are set..

Accusations, heated discussions and unreasonable solutions create a loophole in our disturbed existance. Allies formed and reformed long broken friendships that had no hope of reconciliation. Meetings, deviced under secrecy and undercover stories take place. Enhancing the skill of the softly spoken word, without which communications in the fragile and thin walled house would break. However, the looming shadow of collaboration, compromise and the undesired verdict are ever approaching ...

No!

2009-01-19T00:21:00.003Z

You are here, you come to me, you give me you're all. A myth no more, a fantasy turned into reality, a dream come true, all handed to me on a platter of gold. Waiting, and waiting, eyes unwavering, hopeful and waiting.
A knott is growing, and growing in my small throat. Eyes wide open, shocked and fearful. Blood rushing through, flooding my crowded brain, whooshing endlessly... No...

A Pipe Dream

2008-11-08T00:12:00.003Z

People...people come and go. Some will turn to be best friends, some life long, prized connections and others will just be another face, name to add to the long list of acquaintances. However, it is those who pass by that can have a lasting impression. Those, who make the small remarks that have the biggest impact. Then, they leave and leave a changed person longing for their illusive return.

Barbie's Unforeseen Fate

2008-10-15T18:14:00.002+01:00

Long, wavy, white blonde hair, sun-kissed skin, to die for body and the many gowns and outfits in all colours possible, these were my Barbie’s acquired traits. All that was missing was her significant other! It made perfect sense, for my precious Barbie to have her tall, dark and handsome Ken. I told mother of this ever persisting deficit.

However, Ken never came and strangely enough I was very relieved for my Barbie! Somehow, the theory of him coming, sweeping her off her feet and taking her away from me precipitated?! Whether this was the creation of my mother’s slick and witty escape or the intricate imagination of two little girls reconciling themselves and their Barbie, I have not yet come to the conclusion.

Either way, this theory has survived and grew with me through all those years, lying dormant, deep at the back of my mind. Until recently, with the news of my childhood friend marrying, and my cousin’s fast entry (to me) into wedlock and baby producing stage have brought back the anxiety I went through with my Barbie. The thought that they will no longer be mine, and mine alone, played on my mind.

Yet, they made the transition into marriage world in one piece and I pulled through unharmed in any shape or form; and so there were happy endings to scary beginnings.

Except for Barbie, who now resides in a dark, crowded box, up in the cold, dusty attic. So much for our protectiveness!

You

2008-10-10T00:46:00.004+01:00

You are a constant reminder of the burden I carry, the guilt I feel, the unspoken promises. How can I escape?
The need to run and run far and fast is itching inside of me. Slowly, I'm being enclosed on and in, surrounded by this deafeningly approaching ponderosity! The happiness is sucked out of me on the mention of You. How can this be when You are supposed to be the ray of light that brightens up my life?
Love...they say

Battle of The Indices

2007-04-20T17:23:00.000+01:00

The clock hits 4.30pm and the battle begins.

Each sat in their own room, at opposite ends of the house, one on his reclining chair, with his feet up on the table in front of him. The other lying down, relaxing after a long day in school, on the couch, with salt and vinegar crisps conveniently placed within hand reach.

Both are clicking away at the small black buttons, each having a different number in mind. The white numbers have started to fade away, leaving the evidence for these persistent and childish acts.

With every successful click of his, her face reacts involuntarily to the results that appear on the screen. Lips mouthing incoherent, newly coined words and nose that has become asymmetrical, one half higher than the other, she determinedly presses hard on her chosen button “back up”, which never changes.

After ten minutes of this futile and frustrating game (to her) she decided to be the bigger person and give up the fight.

Remote controls, regardless of their revolutionary, lazy inducing advantages, turn everyone, whether it was the 80 year old or the already young 14 year old, into petty children.

2007-03-18T18:01:00.000Z

As I’m sat on my desk, working away, “Hilwa Ya Balady” playing softly in the background…a feeling, a fleeting image took me back to my grandparent’s house.

I was asking granddad to put on Dalida, after the pleading my wish was granted and the living room was turned into our dance studio. The music begins playing and my sister and I would be lost into its melody, arms flailing, spinning round and round until we were too dizzy to stand up and maybe fall once or twice while we gracefully jump from sofa to sofa.

Slowly the treasures of my grandparent’s house would come out of their drawers and cupboards. The Hijil, that was too big for our tiny ankles and the bright green piece of cloth that we would tie around our non existent bottoms, were an essential detail for our performance. The smiles and giggles accompanied us throughout the evening.

Those were the days when grandparents were young and fun to be with. Now I look at granddad, the most active person I’ve known all my life, sitting at his desk reading his newspaper with eyes slowly drifting and closing into a sleep that was brought by boredom. He shuffles his way from his study to the kitchen to his bedroom like an old person whose life has become a burden on him.

I’m sure he’s still the same person, somewhere the tennis player, the gardener enthusiast and the opinionated jido is there. I can hear it in his voice and see it sometimes but these occasions are becoming rare occurrences. The sharpness and attentiveness have been taken over by the unfocused, blue rimmed brown eyes.

Bebe has turned into this unhappy and depressed being. Only when her sons and family visit does she smile from deep within her heart. They give her purpose to life. Yet, this is taken away just as easily as it is brought, by their parting.

It is sad to think that once upon a time my Bebe and Jido were full of life and laughter.
I miss them and I miss being a child, unaware of these realities.

The disfigured princess

2006-12-23T17:33:00.000Z

I have stumbled upon this amazing song. It is by Tina Arena and it's called Je m'appelle Bagdad.
I fell in love with the song once i listened to it. It's beautifully written and so true.

This is the link for the video (hopefully it works):
http://videos.tf1.fr/video/musique/clips/clips_s/0,,3297561,00.html

and here is the meaning of the lyrics:

J’ai vécu heureuse - I lived happily
Dans mes palais - in my palaces
D’or noir et de pierres précieuses - of black gold and precious stones
Le Tigre glissait - The Tigris was flowing
Sur les pavés de cristal - on crystal cobblestones
Mille califes se bousculaient - thousand caliphs lined up
Sur mes carnets de bal - on my bal lists

On m’appelait - They called me
La Cité pleine de grâce - the city full of grace
Dieu - God
Comme le temps passe - how time goes by

On m’appelait - they called me
Capitale de lumière - capital of light
Dieu - God
Que tout se perd - everything gets lost

*Chorus*
Je m’appelle Bagdad - My name is Baghdad
Et je suis tombée - and I fell
Sous le feu des blindés - under the fire of the tanks
Sous le feu des blindés - under the fire of the tanks
Je m’appelle Bagdad - My name is Baghdad
Princesse défigurée - defaced princess
Et Shéhérazade - and Sheherazad
M’a oubliée - has forgotten me

Je vis sur mes terres - I live on my land
Comme une pauvre mendiante - as a poor begger
Sous les bulldozers - under the bulldozers
Les esprits me hantent - ghosts haunt me
Je pleure ma beauté en ruine - I weep over my beauty in ruins
Sous les pierres encore fumantes - under stones still smoldering
C’est mon âme qu’on assassine - its my soul they murder

On m’appelait - they called me
Capitale de lumière - capital of light
Dieu - God
Que tout se perd - everything gets lost

*Chorus*

Mes contes des mille et une nuits - My thousands and one nights stories
N’intéressent plus personne - don't interest anybody anymore
Ils ont tout détruit - they destroyed everything

*Chorus*

The First and Hopefully Not The Last

2006-07-20T21:22:00.001+01:00

The past beats inside me like a second heart.

When I left Baghdad everything there was time frozen. The people that have passed away are still living in my memory, my friends are still attending second year of high school and most importantly Baghdad and the whole of Iraq is proceeding in this universe peacefully. What I see on the news is another city, another country and a whole different world that I do not recognise. The entire affair does not seem real to me as if it's a movie that will shortly end.